


Let's Talk About...

by NicWrites



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack-ish?, Dialogue Heavy, Dwarf Gender Concepts, Gen, Humor, Sex Talk, and now i'm just rambling, but not the actual talk, but they deserve the mention, look i already regret this, some of the characters are just mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 11:04:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20563247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NicWrites/pseuds/NicWrites
Summary: Merry decides his cousin Pippin needs to receive the Talk. But who should do it?As there are only nine of them in the wilderness, it has to be someone from the Fellowship...





	Let's Talk About...

“I am his cousin also.”

“I am his closer cousin. Closin, if you wish.”

Frodo contemplated taking the chain from his neck so he could strangle his Brandybuck cousin. Distant cousin at the moment, to be precise. Cousant.

“I know what you're thinking. Sam could do it if we asked him nicely, no relations and all that.”

Frodo wanted to ask something, but ended up snorting. “Cousn't,” he said.

Merry shot him a somewhat proud look. “Exactly.”

“Sam would be a good choice for this. But, I sense a but.”

“I don't know how to say that without insulting anybody.” He looked around. The only person sitting nearby was Sam, who so far hadn't paid them any attention. “It's just... Pippin should look up to that person, and Sam, however great of a hobbit he is, frankly isn't an authority for Pip. No offence, Sam.”

“None taken, Mr Merry.”

“Who says it has to be a hobbit anyway?” asked Frodo. “Why can't Boromir or Gimli...”

“And what exactly,” cut him off Merry, “do you know about mennish bodies, hm? Who knows what those dwarves are hiding under their armours? And the things I've heard about elves and their, you know, systems... I wouldn't trust them on that.” He sighed. “On a Pippin-unrelated note, I wouldn't mind finding more about these matters, when this adventure ends.” He didn't need to wink suggestively, but he did just that. Looking up, he met Sam's disapproving gaze.

“If you're bein’ this improper around Mr Pippin, he may not need this talk at all.”

“Ha! See? I'm improper!” Merry turned to his cousin, grinning victoriously. “Even Sam says I'm not the one to do it!”

“That's not what...” Before Sam could finish the sentence and maybe repeat his previous words, two figured stepped into the clearing.

Legolas and Gimli, both carrying their weapons, went straight to their bedrolls. The elf, desperately trying to bear himself gracefully as ever, couldn't hide slight limp. His hair contained twigs and leaves, as did the dwarf's beard.

“We were sparring,” said Gimli, fooling exactly none of the listeners.

Merry turned to Frodo. “Not only are those two not hobbits, but also especially improper. That leaves you.”

“You seem to be forgetting a few members of our company, don't you think? Fellowship of nine, huh?” Frodo held up his hands, counting on his fingers. “Without Pippin of course. Minus you, for some reason. I will kindly discount Sam and myself. That leaves five. Still with me?” Merry nodded; Frodo quickly continued without letting him say anything. Now he was presenting only one hand.

“We're on five now. Three if you insist. Aragorn, Boromir, Gandalf.”

“We're not telling Gandalf, right?”

“Well...” Frodo tugged on his shirt's cuff. He smiled. “As amusing as it would be, I don't want Pippin to hate us for the rest of our lives.”

“But,” Merry whispered and made an over-dramatic pause, “Pip doesn't need to know who sent Gandalf, right?”

“How Took of you.”

“Frodogamius!”

Frodo winced. “Don't call me that. They might think...”

“It's your real name? Too late. I may have already told a few people. That. Your name. Is Frodogamius.” Merry howled between spurts of laughter. He was on the ground now, already preparing for a cousin attack. His present cousin didn't disappoint.

“For this thing alone, exclude me from your educational plans. Right now.”

"I swear...”

“Sam! Come here please, we need a witness for this historical event.” Frodo loosened his grip on Merry's shoulders, still sitting on his torso and pinning him to the ground.

“For the record, Mr Frodo, I wanted no part in this.”

“Yes, that's why you are excluded also.”

Merry groaned. “On with it. I swear...”

* * *

  
"I've got this feeling... we've asked the wrong person," whispered Frodo.

Merry looked very satisfied. “I told you so.”

On the other hand, Legolas looked like he'd rather be anywhere else.

“Legolas? Had your father ever given you, you know, the Talk?”

The elf's eyebrows moved up. “What talk?”

“That talk tweens get when they are, I quote, stepping on the bridge between childhood and adulthood.”

“What is a tween?”

“We hobbits call that anyone who is twenty-something years old.”

“Oh. A baby.”

Merry howled. “Baby! Don't tell Pippin!”

“Hopefully he won't be tellin’ him nothin’ any time soon,” Sam murmured. Then he looked at the elf. “No offence, Mr Elf.”

Legolas gracefully shook his head. “None taken,” he said slowly, mostly focusing on braiding his silky hair.

“So... the Talk?”

“The Talk?”

Frodo nodded. “We need to tell Pippin how little hobbits come to be and all that. Will you help us?”

“I am afraid I do not know much about hobbits. I do not understand what this is all about. Pippin is a hobbit, he surely knows better than me.”

Merry coughed.

“We were hoping for someone...” Frodo was looking for the right word. “Someone mature.”

Merry seriously needed a cough drop.

“Then you can tell us about elves,” said Sam. The long time spent in Rivendell with elves and on the road with Legolas hadn't shrunk his craving for all stories elvish.

Frodo, who was sitting next to him and fidgeting with a twig, nodded enthusiastically. “Yes, it would be splendid if you told us. Hobbits or elves, it doesn't matter.” Or it does, and they will find about it in a moment.

Legolas smiled and began talking. “It all started with Eru Ilúvatar...”  


* * *

“I think we made a mistake.”

“You think, Frodocent?”

“I'm afraid so. Legolas and his talk were certainly entertaining,” -- Sam hummed in agreement -- ”but he should get the Talk alongside Pippin.”

“Another one down. Wait, were we not down to three? Aragorn, Boromir, Gandalf, that's three, so where is the catch?”

“We have already decided not to consult Gimli and Legolas. Then it just... happened.”

“We should ask Gimli for a good measure.”

* * *

  
“Do not mess with me, lads. What do you mean by ‘gender’?”

* * *

  
“Frodeamus!”

* * *

  
“Hey, I just remembered something.”

“I'm scared.”

“When elves... do the do, it is like marriage for them.”

“And?”

“Aragorn is not married to Arwen yet. And he grew up in Rivendell. So...”

“So all we have left are Gandalf and Boromir.”

* * *

  
One history lesson later, it was decided that Gandalf was not in fact the right person to give the Talk. Or talk to Pippin alone in general. The wizard was therefore deemed unsuitable, which left exactly one candidate for the job.

Yet this was in no way the end of choosing.

“Who will break the news to Boromir?”

Merry frowned. “We have news?”

“News that he is the chosen one.”

“Chosen for What,” murmured Sam.

“And here we go again.”

“You were the first one to be eliminated,” said Frodo, smiling dangerously. “It is only fair you talk to Boromir.”

“He is right,” said Sam.

“He is a traitor,” said Merry.

Frodo and Sam exchanged tender looks.

“You are both traitors,” repeated Merry. “But you know what? I am going to do it. And when all this is over, you will get me a huge sack of pipeweed. Deal?”

Boromir and Aragorn chose this moment to walk in the clearing. Before the hobbits got to reply, Merry was already running.

* * *

_This is a prequel of sorts, [continuation can by found here](https://femmefaramir.tumblr.com/post/181896436537/boromir-and-the-talk)!_

**Author's Note:**

> find me at tumblr [@femmefaramir](https://femmefaramir.tumblr.com/)  
or look at my art [@n0-n1c](https://n0-n1c.tumblr.com/) (there's also a link to my ko-fi!)


End file.
